Ut sanguine meo rufum Inquinas hostium cecidit in terram super colloseum. May the blood of my fallen enemy stain red the floor of The Colosseum. Digitally distributed on June 26th, as a free to play title on both PSN and XBLA, Spartacus Legends aspires to bring the excitement of the Starz cable TV series and place it in hands of gamers, who are already holding controllers. Whoa, that’s a lot of shit to be holding. Whatever, it’s a colloquialism, you know what I meant.

A fabula tam antiquae Romae

A story as old as Rome itself. A once proud gladiator school falls into shame and disrepair, and the player must restore the schola gladiator back to its full strength and former glory. Slaves must be purchased and trained, able bodies recruited, and above all, the spectators must be entertained. Violently destroy rival gladiators, earn a bit of coin, upgrade skills and equipment, and fight at every venue in the empire until you make it to the Colosseum itself.

Pugnae ... Mechanica ad mortem

The mechanics of fighting to the death are as follows: light attack, heavy attack, kick attack, and block, and each has a dedicated button. I expected perhaps a bit more depth from a developer calling themselves Kung Fu Factory, but hey...it’s a free game. Ubisoft plays publisher for this gladiator game, and their influence can be seen and felt throughout the game. Many of the RPG elements reminded me of Assassin’s Creed II, and to some extent, Assassin’s Creed III, as well as the simplistic fighting style, only not nearly as polished or fluid as AC. Players, in the arena, attempt to string combos together in order to execute a staggered opponent with a finishing move, otherwise you’ll have to beat down their health bar. Outside of the arena, players upgrade weapons and armor, buy execution moves, and plan their next move. Available matches are conveniently marked on the map, as well as a brief description of the match and opponent.

It takes money to make money, and this is especially true in Spartacus Legends. A good portion of the loading screens are commercials for in-game currency that players can buy, with real world currency. The bank is accessible from nearly any screen, in between matches, of course, to make sure that this free to play game doesn’t get confused with a free to win title. Sure, you could fight away for weeks to earn enough coin to buy your fighter a soiled loincloth, rotted leather armband, or rusty gladius, or you can flash a bit of plastic and get it now. Five bucks will get you fifty gold coins, but why stop there? The bank advertises its best value for the aspiring Lanista is a pile of 3,000 coins for 12,000 MS points. My calculator calls that ONE HUNDRED AND FIFTY FUCKING AMERICAN DOLLARS. Where I come from, we don’t call that a bargain: we call that something else entirely. I wasn’t expecting it to be entirely free but holy fuck, $150? That might be a bit on the steep side. So, following the Asian model of free to play, if you want to get ahead in this game, you’re going to have to work some overtime or get a second job, because fighting for an hour or two in your soiled subligaria and your wooden sword on the weekends will not get you on the leaderboards.


Differentia est inter uictoriam mortemue temere rem.

The difference between victory and death is a random affair, indeed. Sure, you can attempt to string combos together, alternate between light and heavy attacks to determine the right recipe for each opponent, or try to time your attacks at just the right critical split second, but your efforts will be in vain, my friend. The best and surest road to victory is to mash every button as fast as you can and hope for the best. I went to write a paragraph for this article only to find that my cat had won two fights by walking on the controller during my absence. This is not a precision or complex fighting game.

Ultima Veredictum

While our rating system is not really geared for free games, I can assert that most players will spend less than a weekend with this game. The fighting is far too simplistic to coerce players into mastering moves and the RPG elements don’t have the addictive qualities that would draw loyal or dedicated players into spending huge amounts of cash for the in-game currency needed to succeed. It’s a mindless distraction with loud noises and edgy music. If you want a real gladiator weekend go rent Ben Hur, Gladiator or 300, or play some old school turn-based Gladius.
 

It’s another lean week for video game releases. This weeks’ games feature a visual novel romance game (ooh, exciting!) and cleverly named games ending in “-ia.”  Hey, we told you it was a lean week! At least we have the release details of the new Bioshock: Infinite DLC to look forward to...

   

 Nintendo

Forza fans have had a couple of solid months to digest interviews, press conferences, reveals, and forum postings, but what does it all mean? For every question answered by Greenawalt and crew, that answer raises two more questions. It’s like trying to wash a fucking Gremlin: more unbathed Gremlins appear every time you get one clean.

With four months to go until launch for Forza 5, we still have a good amount of time to speculate, and more actual and factual information coming at us every day. So, with an air of dignified excitedness, here’s a bit of what we know so far.



The Track & Car List...So Far
2008 Aston Martin DBS
2013 Aston Martin Vanquish
2010 Audi R8
2013 BMW  M5 F10
2013 Chevrolet #1 Andretti Autosport Dallara DW12
1976 Ferrari 312-2
2013 Ferrari F12 Berlinetta
2011 Koenigsegg Agera
2012 Lamborghini Aventador
1976 McLaren M23
1993 McLaren F1
2010 McLaren MP4-12C
2013 McLaren P1
2012 Pagani Zonda Cinque
2012 Pagani Huayra

Turn 10 has stated that Forza 5 will have hundreds of cars, almost certainly more than Forza 4, which should put it over the 500 mark. No word yet if the garage capacity has been enlarged to accommodate avid collectors and duplicate cars in different classes.

Open wheeled and Indy cars have also been verified, and a couple of them already appear on the car list. A few lightweight open-wheeled cars could cause problems for the Radical R8, which has enjoyed almost a singular presence, just below the radar of R1. Potential go-karts from Caterham, BOC, and Ariel could give the Radical a run for its money if they make the cut and don’t get screwed by the PI system. Could we also see a game version of the very cool, yet underperforming, Plymouth Prowler?

Only 5 tracks have been verified for Forza 5, and only one is a new track to the series:
Indianapolis
Prague
Laguna Seca
Top Gear Test Track
Sebring

The Ol’ Stuttgart Stutter

One brand that players will not see at launch is Porsche. Turn 10 has verified,however, that super tuner RUF will be making a return with its trademark high performance and mega horsepower 911 models.

Does this feud between EA and Turn 10 mean that we will not see Porsche this game, or is Turn 10 waiting to hit us with another 20 bucks down the road?

The Return of Drivatar and Autovista

Drivatar, a largely unused feature from the first Forza Motorsport, is coming back to the Forza series in a big way. So big, in fact, that it’s the only feature that Dan Greenawalt wants to talk about in interviews, other than the game’s 60 frames per second graphical integrity and reflective surfaces.

The historical version of Drivatar gave players the ability to teach the AI their driving style and, theoretically, the AI would mimic that style by going out and competing in races that the player delegated to the Drivatar, while taking a slice of the profits. Basically, it’s a hired driver that has been sandbagged with the player’s idiosyncrasies, which was a hard sell for players who bought a racing game to race, not to delegate races to an idiotic AI driver.




Turn 10 has not only updated the concept behind Drivatar, but also its application. Players no longer have to specify Drivatar training when they wish to teach the AI a few things: this Drivatar training is constantly and unobtrusively occurring any time the player is racing, either single player or socially. Drivatar may have been an unused feature in the first game, it may very well be the main event in Forza 5. Cloud computing teaches the player’s Drivatar to drive like that player, and that Drivatar will be available in multiplayer races for other players to challenge themselves against, even when the player is offline. The power of the cloud allows AI to be 600% more realistic, will permanently end griefing, and means the end of single player racing forever...okay, that may have been a bit of an exaggeration, but the addition of realistic AI has some very exciting potential. Preferential treatment will be given to those folks on your friends list, meaning that you can choose to race against their Drivatar over some anonymous clown, so it’s like always racing with your friends without having to strap on a headset. Or listen to them belch into their microphone. Or tell fart jokes. I need new friends...



Remember when you got home with your unopened copy of Forza 4 and couldn’t wait to pop it in so Top Gear’s Jeremy Clarkson could verbally walk you through Forza 4’s Autovista feature? Yeah, me neither. However, Forza 5 is promising an upgraded Autovista and will now feature all 3 presenters: Clarkson, James May, and Richard Hammond. I give this feature a whoop de-fucking-doo. If Turn 10 wants to associate themselves with every car fan’s favorite show from across the pond, why not allow the presenters to lend their voices as announcers and include a Blu-Ray disc of Top Gear’s Greatest Hits or something?

Unanswered Questions

We still know very little about Forza 5, and if history is to repeat itself, information will be doled out very slowly. Will Turn 10 finally fix their PI system? Will AWD cars be competitive this time around? Does the presence of Drivatar indicate changes to the storefront, auction house, or monetary system? Will a player’s Drivatar utilize vehicles from that player’s garage? Will Turn 10 limit moderators’ abuse of storefront bans? Will painters and tuners be given more toys to play with in Forza 5? Has anyone seen Pickle lately?

A new Forza game is always exciting, but the fact that this game is on a new console makes the wait almost excruciating. My interest in this title is very high, and I will pass on any relevant news as it happens. We still have a few months to go until launch...come on, November!

Feel free to post any specific questions in the comments section so we can get them answered, if possible. This community has a voice, and we want Turn 10 to hear it.

While there are plenty of cantankerous old bastards (like myself) who’ve been playing videogames for 30 years or more, our industry is still seen by many as a pastime for children and teenagers. 

Though we’ve moved out of the total lack of mature content that defined gaming in the ‘80s and ‘90s, there are still many game elements that are removed from games before release, because the publisher doesn’t want to court the dreaded ADULTS ONLY rating, which pretty much guarantees that the game would be carried by no major retailer.

While the most famous case of game censorship is the infamous “Hot Coffee” scenes from GTA: San Andreas, there are many others that don’t make it onto most gamers’ radar.  While most instances of game censorship are understandable, I’ve put together a list of the 5 most ridiculous cases that have stuck in my mind over the years.
 

5:  Playboy The Mansion

OK, this entire game is pretty much an excuse to play the Sims. but with bare tits and actual sex.  Simple, right.  You play as a young Hugh Hefner, just getting the Playboy empire up on its feet.  You build the mansion and host lavish parties to make connections that you then use to fill the pages of your magazine with articles, interviews and pictorials.  About those pictorials.....they extend to just topless photos, which is understandable.  Heaven forbid a teenage boy who gets ahold of this game sees a three polygon bush.  What always stuck in my head about the game was the sex.  Another famous aspect of Hefner’s life that the game tries to recreate is his famous hedonistic attitude.  Hef is famous for fucking just about every woman who sets foot in the mansion (I think that they hand out a Viagra tablet and tube of KY as you come in the door).  Well, the in-game Hef can indeed engage in sexual relations with many of the women in the game, but the developers censored themselves to the point that the sex became less titillating and more laugh inducing.  After talking up a female character successfully, Hef will invite her to have sex in either a bed or on a nearby couch.  You need not be in private, Hef will drop his load in public, no sweat.  The sex itself consists of the female participant stripping to her panties and Hef to his boxers.  They then proceed to have what can only be described as sex as imagined by a spastic 8 year old who was raised in the monkey cage at a zoo.  

It’s easier to show you than to describe it.  The show starts at the 4:30 mark.

4:  Samurai Shodown

Samurai Shodown was famously censored for the home console ports.  The blood fountains that resulted from the game’s fatality like power moves were removed, the zoom out feature when the fighters moved apart was left out and several of the fighters’ taunts were toned down for language and content.  One character’s opening taunt was reduced to idiocy, however.  Charolette, the female French knight wears a suit of full armor.  In the arcade version of the game, she sometimes tells her opponent “Don’t ever talk about my breast plate again!”.  Nintendo of America apparently thought that gamers were too sensitive to read the “B” word, though, so they removed it, changing the quote to “Don’t ever talk about my plate again!”.  Really, NoA?  Was the word breast so upsetting that you had to make it seem that the poor woman was being remorselessly taunted about her choice of flatware?

3:  Indigo Prophecy (Xbox)

This game from “Heavy Rain” developer Quantic Dream was presented as an interactive murder mystery/supernatural thriller for adults.  It was released on the Xbox (and later the PS2 and Gamecube), a console seemingly aimed at more mature gamers (Halo 2 Timmies aside).  Why, then, was it so stupidly censored whenever the slightest adult situation occurred?  The game contains two shower scenes, both of which are rendered ridiculous by the same juvenile method of censorship.  Take female lead Carla’s shower scene as an example.  Carla, fresh from a day of detective work (a day that was that was capped off with a boxing match, no less) comes home and decides to relax with a nice hot shower.  Sounds, reasonable, no?  However, American audiences were considered incapable of dealing with a little fuzzy, 128 bit booty, so underwear was added to the character model.  Tyler, one of the male leads, also does this.  Showers while wearing his boxers.  Hell, why do laundry separately, right?  Now I’m not some digital pervert just aching for polygonal tis, but this kind of thing just draws you right out of the story.  It still happens today, as well.  In Mass Effect 3, if you manage to romance Samantha Traynor, she and FemShep take a shower together while fully clothed.  Mmmmm...sexy.

Head to the 7:30 mark:

2:  Mortal Kombat (SNES)

We all know the story behind this one.  The SNES version of MK came complete with neutered Fatalities and copious amounts of sweat replacing the blood.  Only Liu Kang’s retarded cartwheel uppercut and Sonya and Scorpion’s nearly identical fatalities survived unchanged ( because ripping someone’s spine out is too brutal, but burning them to death is just fine).  The stupidity is not in the way the game was censored, but that it was censored at all.  This was at the height of the SNES/Genesis wars, and Nintendo had been holding a firm lead up until this point.  This game is what allowed the genesis to pull ahead of the SNES and take a large chunk of the big N’s game sales for the rest of that console generation.  The Genesis port, through the use of the ABACAB code, sported gloriously unaltered blood and gore.  This meant that, even though it was more technically superior and more arcade accurate, the SNES port came in a dismal second to the offering from Sega.  The loss was so great that Nintendo actually made a point of advertising that the SNES port of MKII would be uncensored, basically saying “Hey, we want to protect the kids, but we want their money more”.

1:  Conker’s Bad Fur Day (Xbox)

Back when RARE was exclusively a Nintendo developer (and when RARE made games that were worth a shit) they released an adult-oriented adventure game called Conker’s Bad Fur Day.  It was dirty, vulgar, scatalogical, politically incorrect and hilariously brilliant.  To this day it’s my favorite N64 game.  So, when Microsoft purchased RARE and announced that they were going to release a graphically updates port of the game for the Xbox, I was understandably excited.  New graphics and a controller that’s not a hand-cramping monstrosity!  What could go wrong?  Well, Microsoft could misplace their testicles, that’s what.  Historically, Nintendo of America has been the company known for censoring games for their consoles.  They’ve always chased the family-friendly image, tending to the extreme when sanitizing games, but even they didn’t cut Conker’s up as badly as Microsoft did.

On the N64, pretty much the only word that was censored was fuck.  Shit, twat, damn, bullocks; all flew by the Big N’s censors.  Move forward a few years to the Xbox; a console marketed as being more mature.  A game system for those of us who don’t get the whole summer off for vacation.  A system laden with games whose characters routinely drop more ‘F’ bombs than Andrew “Dice” Clay pissing on an electric fence while suffering from an urinary tract infection.  But not Conker.  Not only was fuck censored, but most other curses were also bleeped.  I’ not a fan of swearing as a shock tactic, or vulgarity for vulgarity’s sake, but when I play a scene in which an animated shit golem, who’s standing in a lake of shit that is itself inside a cave made of shit, sings an operatic tune about shit, and the word “shit” is censored, then I have to call Shenanigans.

They even changed the tune to the point that it sounds like it’s been re-recorded (it may have).

The original:


The remake( go to the 10:15 mark):



Feel free to post your own ideas in the comments.
 

Late summer arrives and brings with it such staples as backyard BBQ's replete with pumpkin beer, NFL training camps, PAX Prime and, ahem, "great" games. This week's new releases feature some classic 2D platforming as Mickey's favorite sidekick, an action RPG on the Red Planet, everyone's two favorite italian plumbers on a rescue mission to save their girl and a turn based strategy game based on a popular board game.

 Microsoft

 Playstation

 Nintendo

 PC

So Sam Fisher, Sully, Captain Jack, the Saints and some creepy aliens walked into a bar...yeah that’s all I got but it gives you an idea of what to expect this week.

 Microsoft

 Playstation

The new game offerings this summer have been drier than West Texas in August. I don’t understand why we have a holiday season glut and a summer drought. If they spaced the new releases more evenly we wouldn’t be reviewing free to play shit games and DLC in July and August. Whatever, it’s over now and the gaming preseason is here, and it’s hotter than Derek Nolan’s basement on a Monday night. This week a planet gets misplaced for the third time, the Japanese make use of Roman numerals, an E3 favorite makes a killing, Madden assumes the position, and you’ll fall in love with the PSP...and die.

 Sony

Before I get into the review of Halo: Spartan Assault I feel like I need to apologize to the 2old2play-ers out there. You see, I finished the game back at the end of July. However, I finished it the night before I went on vacation. I ran out of time to do the review and when Mrs.Soup, the Souplets and I returned it was a whirlwind trying to catch up. So I apologize for making you wait. That being said I just found out that the Windows Phone 8 version was not available on all carriers in the US until August 17th. So for some of you I guess I wasn’t that late after all!

In the end, for the $7.99 price tag, the decent amount of gameplay and the Halo fix it provided for me this was a great buy. If you have Windows 8 and want something to use the metro interface for or if you are one of the few proud Windows Phone 8 owners then I say “Buy it now!”

Ladies and Gentlemen...Sam Fisher is Back. Splinter Cell: Blacklist (August 20, 2103) picks up some time after the events in Conviction. Sam Fisher is back at work, in the employ of the good ol’ USA, and currently on assignment at Andersen AFB in Guam.

A group of tech-savvy terrorists, known only as The Engineers, launches a series of attacks, known as The Blacklist, on American interests, and Andersen AFB is first on the list. Fisher’s helicopter goes down during the attack and his BFF, Vic, receives grievous injuries from a suicide grenadier.
 
The President personally orders Fisher to stop the remaining attacks on The Blacklist, which The Engineers have graciously posted on YouTube with a countdown timer for each attack. Sam is soon grudgingly reunited with his old handler, Anna Grimsdottir, along with a growing cast of helpful helpers, like the ex-CIA operative, Isaac Briggs, and Sam’s technophile pet nerd, whose name I have already forgotten. Tough shit, nerd boy...get yourself a more memorable name next time!

Since Fisher is no longer doing his one man avenging the system thing, he actually has the advantage of a base of operations in this game: a flying technological marvel known as Paladin One. It’s basically an upgradeable plane with a lot of computers and communication equipment.



It’s Kind of Like Mass Effect

Several aspects of Blacklist reminded me of Mass Effect. First and foremost, Sam Fisher does not sound like himself. Michael Ironside, for whatever reason, does not, for the first time ever, voice Sam Fisher in a Splinter Cell game. Sam sounds more like Commander Shepard than Sam Fisher. This was confusing for the first few levels, as I wasn’t entirely sure if Sam was talking or listening to someone on his communicator. The second “borrowed” piece of Mass Effect is the whole group dynamic aboard the Paladin. Sam has to walk around the plane and talk to his teammates to gain upgrades, information, and extra missions. While a little chit chat on the side is a nice touch, it really has no value in a single-player game with such a linear storyline. Remember the corny part of Mass Effect where the game would ask if the player was ready for the mission? Yeah, Blacklist stole that too...which is goofy because every mission has to be completed, in order, to advance the game, and unnecessary because you can go back to any mission that you have already played, at which point you will be asked if you are ready...again.


 

It’s Kind of Like Hitman

Ubisoft has provided little daily bonuses if players are willing to complete challenges, like perform 5 headshots with a loud (unsilenced) weapon, etc. Players are rewarded monetarily for completing missions and side-missions, like recovering data from an Engineer laptop or stealing a dead drop. This money is used to upgrade the Paladin, as well as gear, weapons, and gadgets. Black market weapons are also available for purchase. This is all well and good, but is a bit of a departure from previous games, where you already had the best gear and didn’t have to buy it all over again. Another striking Hitman similarity is the presentation of the SP leaderboards, which are like the leaderboards in Hitman: Absolution. Sam also now stashes bodies in convenient containers. Sound familiar?

It’s Still Splinter Cell

Despite Sam’s nod of affection to other popular games, Blacklist is all about sneaking around and taking out bad guys one at a time. The mission objectives are often projected onto objects, like they were in Conviction. Most Splinter Cell vets will recognize Sam’s bag of tricks: sticky shocker, sticky cam, noisemakers, and assortment of silenced weapons. The newest addition is the tri-rotor. Think of it as an armed remote control helicopter. Sam’s goggles have night vision, sonar vision, and footprint tracking (which I never used). Players are awarded extra cash for discovering new pathways, so exploration is encouraged.




The game grades players using three different play styles: ghost, panther, and assault.
Ghost typically rewards players better than the other two, but is more difficult to score. Ghost grades players on remaining undetected and utilization of non-lethal gadgets. Panther rewards for stealth kills and hiding bodies. Assault style rewards those who forget that they are playing a stealth game.

Multiplayer

Spies vs Mercs is a 4 vs 4 affair, featuring sneaky guys in 3rd person vs armed and armored mercs in 1st person. As experience is gained, different modes are opened up, with different objectives for each team. Co-op plays like a horde or zombie mode, with Briggs and Fisher standing their ground against waves of baddies that increase in difficulty each wave. Nothing new to see here.

What’s Missing

It’s a Splinter Cell game, alright, but some stuff is missing. First, there’s the voice. I like commander Shepard, but he’s no Sam Fisher. Michael Ironside is Sam Fisher. The second issue is that the improvisational combat options and interrogation techniques from the last game are simply not there. Another thing that is conspicuously absent is Fisher’s rationale behind his ohh-rah attitude.

Why is he so gung-ho about finishing “the job” for the same people who have completely fucked him over during the last two games? The immersion from the previous games just isn’t there, and as well written and well acted as the story is, and it’s actually very good, it just doesn’t measure up to the previous couple of games, falling way short of the bar set by Conviction.




Final Verdict

While it felt good to slip back into the goggles and stealth suit, Blacklist falls short of what I expect from a Splinter Cell experience. It’s definitely a must-have for fans of the series, but everyone else should wait for the price to drop.
 
 

Labor Day, or Labour Day depending on where you’re from, is over and done. The last long weekend of the summer season is kaput. The ramp up to the Christmas season begins from both a game standpoint and, sadly, a retail one as well. I like both summer and Christmas but I believe there needs to be more than a couple hours in between. I was in Walmart yesterday and their back to school section was already taken over by Halloween and Christmas. 

The upside to this is that more games are being released and more importantly...the kids are back to school! I totally feel like the dad in that Staples commercial dancing through the aisles as the kids get their supplies. I never thought I would feel like that about my own children or, at the very least, I would feel guilty for feeling like that but...I do...and I don’t!

On to the games!

Multi-Platform

Diablo III (XBOX 360, PS3)

Diablo III on your console complete with online and couch sharing co-op! As soon as I finish writing this I am heading to somewhere to buy Blizzard’s hack and slash RPG. I loved Diablo (never finished it), I loved Diablo II (never finished it), and I loved Diablo III on my PC (never finished it). I wholeheartedly plan on never finishing Diablo III on my console as well. I admit I have a problem. However, Mrs. Soup loves some RPG and some co-op gameplay so not only do I have a totally valid excuse but maybe I'll actually finish one of these games. Diablo III attacked store shelves on September 3rd.

Rayman Legends (WiiU, XBOX 360, PS3, PC, Vita)

WiiU fans your wait is finally over. Your limbless hero arrives at last! It’s been a long wait and I know it’s a bit tough to swallow that your once console exclusive now graces the disc trays of the competition. You may take solace in the fact that the wait was well worth it. From what I read, Rayman Legends garnered some great early reviews regardless of platform. Rayman Legends bounced into stores on September 3rd.

Dead or Alive 5 Ultimate (XBOX 360, PS3)

It’s Dead or Alive. It’s #5 and it’s Ultimate! The game promises 2 vs 2 online co-op tag team mode, team fight mode, more polished moves, more destructible environments, lots of DLC carried over from DoA 5, more costumes of less material and more independent boob jiggles! Dead or Alive 5 Ultimate is ultimately not a bad deal if you haven’t already bought DoA 5. Dead or Alive 5 Ultimate wiggled and jiggled its way into stores on September 3rd.

Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons (PC, PS3)

Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons, already released to critical acclaim on the XBOX 360, is now set to grace the PS3 and PC as well. Each thumbstick controls one of the two brothers and while a little odd at first it becomes a very interesting and engrossing game. You can download Brothers: A Tale of Two Sons via Steam or the Playstation Store beginning September 3rd.

Disney Castle of Illusion starring Mickey Mouse (PC, PS3, XBOX 360)

Sega updated the the much beloved (and winner of longest game title) Sega Genesis original with HD graphics and gameplay. If you played the original then you are old like me. If you were fond of the original then you may want to leave those memories in the past. However, the kids might enjoy bouncing as the mouse that built the house of Disney. Download Disney Castle of Illusion starring Mickey Mouse beginning September 3rd.

 PC

Total War: Rome II

If you enjoy both strategy in your gaming and commanding thousands of soldiers to either march to victory or their death, then you have likely already played a Total War game and I don’t need to tell you anything else about Total War: Rome II. Only that I wish I was good at these games...

Suda 51 has brought gamers some very interesting games, often bolstered by unique gameplay. Killer7 sported striking visuals and simplistic controls while No More Heroes cel shaded presentation made good use of the Wii’s graphical shortcomings and bizarre controller. Developer Grasshopper Manufacture designed Killer is Dead to play on the big consoles: XBox 360 and Playstation 3. Will the spiritual successor to No More Heroes make a killing, or should it have stayed in Nintendo’s playground?

First Day at the New Job

We meet our protagonist, Mondo, on an auspicious day: he was just accepted for an executioner’s position at The Bryan Execution Firm. The firm specializes in killing assassins, monsters, and moon men. Mondo, and his over-enthusiastic assistant, Mika, begin their killing careers by dispatching a monster in a surreal Lewis Carroll nightmare house. This level serves as a tutorial for players, who’ll soon learn that their controller’s X-Button is about to become their best friend for the game's duration.

Wandering Eye Syndrome

Playing Killer is Dead could cause a condition in players known as Wandering Eye Syndrome. A combination of cel-shade fatigue and attempting to make sense of an indecipherable plot most often causes this condition. Wandering Eye Syndrome’s main symptom is eyeing one’s game library for something more interesting to play while blowing through Killer is Dead on autopilot. I often found myself not even paying attention to the screen, just repeatedly mashing the X-Button while watching an episode of Metalocalypse on the laptop or reading a cookbook for dinner ideas.

A good example of Wandering Eye Syndrome happened to me on the game’s Alice level. Mondo and I just mashed the X-Button many times, finally making our way upstairs to Alice, only to find that Keith David just gave me the awesome Dubsteb Gun, so I was on my way back to Steelport to give those alien bastards a taste of Dubstep. Oops, I somehow replaced the Killer is Dead disc with Saints Row IV right in the middle of a boss fight. That’s weird!

On another level, I travelled to The Moon to defeat some guy named David. I wasn’t going to get paid for this assassination, but I was going to receive a kiss from a Moon Chick as payment. I skillfully guided the over-sexed Mondo through the Moon Fortress, pressing the X-Button many times in the process, dispatching hordes of baddies. I finally reached the throne room, where  Moon Man David was waiting in full regal regalia (see what I did there?). I was able to defeat David by repeatedly mashing the X-Button and cornering to the inside, in an attempt to slow him down on the turns, knowing that my Oldsmobile would have the advantage on Road Atlanta’s back straight. What the hell? I did it again. Nevermind, that was Forza 4. Apparently, my Wandering Eye Syndrome affects my ability to effectively communicate the shallowness of Killer is Dead’s fighting mechanics and my disdain for the staggering heaps of nonsense randomly used as building blocks for a sham of a plot. 

A Surreal Experience

Everything from the weapons, the enthusiastic sidekick stereotypes pulled straight from Initial D, and the woefully skewed interpretation of the American assassination industry in Killer is Dead screams “look at me...I’m a Japanese action game!” The enemies are identical, faceless goons, NPC’s are either cliches of cliches or motivationally muddled, and the fighting mechanics are stupidly nonexistent for a fighting game. Players guide Mondo from room to room, repetitively dispatch a bunch of guys with the X-Button, and move on to the next room. I give it points for attempting graphical originality, but I hate looking at it, I hate everyone in it, and I hate the fact that I’m going to be reminded of this game every single time I look back through my game history. 

Final Verdict

Killer is Dead scored very highly with Japanese reviewers, even landing some perfect scores. It didn’t do nearly as well at 2Old2Play, where I can only recommend renting this title, but only if you must. It’s surreal, but not very fun...kind of like watching Monty Python with the volume off.

Thanks to Deep Silver, the fine folks at Volition managed to survive the implosion of THQ, which is a good thing for all of us, because it allowed them to complete what may be the most purely fun game of the new decade. Saints Row IV continues the crazy antics of everyone’s favorite street gang since Doughboy shot Ferris in a Fatburger parking lot, and takes the “Puckish Rogues” into territory never dreamed of by even the most smoked out gang banger. The result is a game that will make you smile like a kid on Christmas morning, while sometimes making you cry like that same kid when he realizes that every present is a pair of socks.

In the spirit of full disclosure, here are my in-game stats. I completed the single player story in just under 28 hours with a completion rate of 92% on normal difficulty. I finished at the max level of 50. I haven’t touched the co-op play, as I focused on completing the story first.  

The Good

What do Roddy Piper, a nude Jane Austen, a sexually hungry probe droid and Keith David dancing the Robot have in common? In a sane world the answer is “nothing”, but in the bat-shit crazy world of Saints Row IV, they’re just everyday scenery. The first Saints Row was developed with the goal of being a serious rival to the GTA games, but the series quickly evolved into a far less serious and more fun loving answer to Rockstar’s sandbox juggernaut. By the end of Saints Row: The Third most players probably felt that they did everything that could be done in an open world game. We wondered how Volition could top what came before. The answer is that they threw everything from the first three games in a blender, removed reality altogether and let every idea from the development whiteboard become a feature.

The story exists not so much to drive the gameplay, but more to give Volition an excuse to let you do whatever you want. Your Saint’s Row: The Third character is now president of the U.S., Keith David (yes, THAT Keith David) is your VP and the rest of the Saints comprise your cabinet. When a Shakespeare quoting alien overlord invades, takes everyone you know (as well as a large percentage of Earth’s population) hostage and jacks you all into a Matrix-like simulation, it’s up to you and your homies to break free and get revenge.

The gunplay in the game is as tight as ever, but is evolved by the addition of an array of superpowers that would make you a match for the Avengers. Sprint through the streets and up the side of buildings at super speed, dragging pedestrians and vehicles in your wake, or jump high into the air and glide across half the city to get in place above a group enemies before dropping on them with the force of a small nuke. Small army of enemies giving you trouble? Freeze them solid with a blast of your freeze ray and then smash them with your tentacle bat (a hentai tinged replacement for the last game’s “Penetrator” dildo bat) or shrink them to the size of action figures and express your inner Godzilla. After upgrading your powers a few levels, the game’s battles become almost laughably easy, but the same powers are so much fun to use that you never get bored using them to decimate the enemy forces. 

This game is the finest example of fan service ever pressed into a DVD. No developer has ever given their fans as much to get excited about through the course of a game as Volition has here. Almost every character from the first three games makes a return (though I did miss The Third’s auto-tuned pimp Zimos) to rehash and close out old plot threads, most of them voiced by the original actors (Terry Crews does a good job replacing Michael Clarke Duncan in the role of Benjamin King). You even get to complete one mission with both versions of Shaundi (part 2’s stoner party girl is the current version) as your backup. The script is written with skill and the banter between your homies does a good job of replacing the radio programs from the previous games, which is a good thing since your superpowers make vehicles almost worthless.

The Bad

This game is so much fun that GTAV will have to be something special to measure up, and it’s a good thing it is, because Saints Row IV has some bugs that are hard to ignore. Graphical glitches are common (both intended and otherwise). For example, after getting the ability to dual wield sub machine guns, one of my guns never displayed. My character held a complete SMG in her right hand but just a grip and clip in her left. There are also some clipping issues, especially in cinematics. Though you won’t use them much after getting your powers, the cars still have an impressive selection of radio stations and music to listen to while driving, but unless I turned the radio off before exiting the car, the music kept playing as I walked around. I also got to hear one of Keith David’s collectible audio clips every time I loaded the game. It plays as the game world loads….every single time. 

None of these bugs were game breaking, but there’s one that is. Sometimes (not every time, but enough to be more than annoying), when I tried to enter the missions menu, the game would freeze, requiring me to return to the dashboard and reload it to continue playing (Yay! I get to hear Keith David again!).

Bugs aside, the only other complaint I have with the game is that some of its activities become repetitive. You must complete these challenges to gain most of your power upgrades, and they just get old fairly quickly. Also, to whichever Volition team member came up with Speed Rifts, you are a horrible person, and there is a special level of Hell for people like you.

Final Verdict

I can’t recommend this game enough. If you enjoyed any of the other games in the series, it’s a no brainer, but even if you never played the other installments, this game should be in your library. No other game has ever made me set down my controller and stand up to pump my fist in the air. This game made me do that…..twice. There’s more “Oh Hell no!” moments in this game than in every other game in my collection combined, and I’m honestly rushing through this review so that I can get back to playing some more. Buy this game!

Hey, everybody, guess what!?! The games industry didn’t stop making new games after last week’s release of GTA 5. There’s actually more games coming out this week!

This week games release for all the platforms!  Last gen, next gen, handheld, 3-D, and even Mac gets some love! There is even some bonus info on a game Telltale snuck in towards the end of last week.

The gaming season is starting to pick up! There are a ton of new releases this week. Some are re-releases and bundles featuring great deals on some great games. As we approach the release of the new consoles, it’s only going to get more hectic and better from here on out. Enjoy these last couple of weeks gaming on the current generation while you can!

 

Coming out this week

Batman: Arkham Origins (360, PS3, Wii U, PC)
Taking place before the two previous entries in the Batman: Arkham series, Batman: Arkham Origins features a younger hero just starting to clean the streets of Gotham City. It’s like he is growing up before your very eyes, dishing out justice as only Batman can. Batman: Arkham Origins hits store shelves on October 25th.

Welcome boys and ghouls to this weeks horror filled releases. For those of you in the Halloween spirit there is plenty to sate your appetite for taking on another form, from pirates to interstellar rebels to good old shoot ‘em ups and a retro game given new life on today's consoles. So grab some treats and get ready for some tricks.  

Coming out this week

Angry Birds: Star Wars (Xbox 360, PS3, Vita, PC, Wii, Wii U, 3DS)

In a galaxy far, far away...or your nearest game store. Get ready to immerse yourself in the most recent addition to the Angry Birds series. Now you can launch till your hearts content or at least to the twenty new levels remastered for the consoles. Enjoy cooperative and multiplayer game play while wielding a lightsaber or using the Force. Coming to a rebel base near you on October 29th.

Assassin’s Creed IV Black Flag (Xbox 360, PS3)

Arrr, if it be booty yer after look no further matey’s. Coming in from the seven seas be Cap’n Edward Kenway and his fearsome crew on the mighty Jackdaw. Sail the Caribbean seas lootin’ and plunder’n and striking fear in all them landlubbers. So what say ye wog, are ye ready for the life of a pirate, if ye be October 29 be the day to sign up and ship out.

Battlefield 4 (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

Featuring a larger world and better gameplay, Battlefield 4 offers players an immersive world where you can jump in any vehicle; aerial, aquatic or land based to dish out a can of good ol whoop...well you know. Giving the gamer the ability to change the world around them with interactive environments that change based on your actions. Be ready for the carnage on October 29th.

Pac-man and the Ghostly Adventures (PS3, XBOX 360, Wii U)

If you were hoping for a new game based on the animated series of Pac-Man and Ghostly Adventures, well look no further. This game has all the adventure and excitement from the show now in your control. Take the lead as Pac-man and his friend as you try and free your world from the ghostly and other baddies. Releasing Oct. 29th

Sonic Lost Worlds (Wii U, 3DS)

Coming exclusively to the Nintendo systems, Sonic Lost Worlds boasts new levels,new powers and new adventures. In this installment of the Sonic series you will go and do things never thought of before.  Dashing into stores Oct. 29th.

Honorable Mentions (Xbox 360, PS3, PC)

For you budget minded gamers there are a few multipacks coming out that may be of interest. First up, 2K Power Pack Collection, featuring three games: Darkness 2, Bioshock 2 and Mafia 2 (Xbox 360, PS3). Also from 2K, Definitive Strategy Collection featuring: XCOM: Enemy Unknown and Civilization V (PC), also World of Warcraft Battlechest featuring WoW, WoW: Burning Crusade Expansion Pack, WoW: Wrath of the LIch King Expansion Pack, WoW: Cataclysm Expansion Pack and first month of play (PC). All releasing on Oct. 29th.

All games have characters.  It’s pretty much the one unifying trait of every videogame ever made.  Some are as utilitarian as Doom’s space marine, whose soul expressive outlet was the occasional grunt or scream.  Others are damn near fully realized humans with realistic personalities and intriguing stories and lives, such as John Marston from Red Dead Redemption.  Boring or entertaining, fully-formed our merely a bare outline, most characters serve the singular purpose of putting you, the player, into the game.  They’re there to give you a more enjoyable experience.

Then you have the occasional character that is so messed up, so freaky and disturbing, that they leave you with no proper response other than to pause the game, step back and ask “What the fuck did I just see?”.  These are a few of those characters.  As always, this list simply reflects my own opinion.  If you disagree or want to put in your own example, then get to posting in the responses.

5:  King Hippo (Punch Out & Mike Tyson’s Punchout)

Both the original Punch Out! and its ear-bitingly rebranded follow up are full of insanely cartoonish, stereotypical characters.  All of them, however, make sense as boxers.  You have lightweights (Glass Joe), middleweights (Great Tiger) and the heavyweights (Bald Bull).  Then you have the “whafuk” weight class.  King Hippo can jump around the ring like he’s on a pogo stick, but is unable to shift his massive bulk up from the canvas when knocked down even once.  Also, while punches to the mouth have no effect on him, a quick jab to the gut has him pissing blood for a month.

We should all be eternally grateful, by the way, that the Punch Out! games have been relegated to 8 and 16 bit systems or cartoony Wii games.  I shudder to think what King Hippo’s moobs would look like flopping around in the uber-realistic graphics engine of the Fight Night games.  Hell, I still have occasional nightmares about his big mushroom nipples in the Captain N cartoon.  How that got by network censors defies reasonable consideration.

4:  Shade (Borderlands 2:  Captain Scarlet’s Pirate Booty DLC)

Shade is a supremely messed up man.  He lives in a dried up, desert, ghost town, and his only companions are a surly shopkeep who won’t even talk to you unless you have some seraph crystals and five corpses.  Corpses that Shade has wired up with speakers that spout out creepy one-liners that were recorded in barely altered voices, and tied up into poses, making them into gruesome mannequins being used as characters in a one-man play.  It also doesn’t help that Shade looks like the Joker if he were on his way to a Hunter S. Thompson convention.

3:  King Of The Cosmos (Katamari Damacy) & Captain Kabuki (Jumping Flash! 2)

I put these two characters together at number 3 because they are, essentially, one and the same.  They’re both gigantic, bothe have over-sized faces with the unsettling, pouty of a serial killer whose newest victim just learned the rule about the lotion and the basket, both are mystic creatures who live in deep space and both wear disturbingly tight unitards.  Captain Kabuki’s game may have come out nearly a decade before his majesty’s, but I’d be willing to bet that they graduated in the same class at Creepy Bastard Academy.

The Captain:

2:  The Entire Cast Of The Cho Aniki Series

I don’t pretend to be an authority on Japanese culture and art, but videogames have taught me that subtlety doesn’t seem to be a requirement in Japanese storytelling.  I’m not saying that American games, movies and television are beacons of low-key entertainment (if that were so, the entire Wayans family would be homeless), but while an American TV show might have a character run on screen and scream “A shark just ate Uncle Joe!”, on a Japanese show that same line would be delivered by a grown man, who’s wearing a diaper, that’s riding a dragon that shits gold coins.  Also, the shark would only eat Uncle Joe after it had finished raping him with its many tentacles.  Tentacles which ejaculated rainbows.

What I’m trying to say is that, in Japan, if you want to make a point, you have to make it clear enough that Helen Keller couldn’t fail to get the message.  Therefore, to portray someone as being homosexual, you have to make them the gayest person that has ever existed (search for “Super Gay” on YouTube for a prime example).  They have to be so over the top gay that the cast of Queer Eye For The Straight Guy would be tempted to seek membership in the Westboro Baptist Church after being exposed to them.

Enter the cast of the Cho Aniki. Rather than try to describe them, I’ll just show you.

Here:

1:  Tingle (The Legend Of Zelda Series)

Ahh, Tingle.  Volumes could be written chronicling the night terrors that this guy has inspired.  Tingle first appeared in The Legend Of Zelda:  Majora’s Mask, where he fawned over Link’s “fairy” clothes and expressed his desire to find his own fairy and live like the “fairy people”.  He reappeared in The legend Of Zelda:  The Windwaker.  This time he had apparently enslaved several men, whom he forced to dress like he does and work at his map-making light house.   After being rescued from prison by Link, Tingle proceeded to stalk the young boy, following him around for the rest of the game and spying on him as Link worked his way through the game’s dungeons (if you ponied up the cash for a Game Boy Advance and a link cable, that is).  Tingle’s creepiness was even strong enough to get him his own spin-off game for the DS.

Everything about this guy screams “molester”.  His picture should be use to educate children about what signs could indicate that someone is to be avoided.  His weird, green body stocking, his John Waters moustache, his obsession with Link and Link’s clothing and his strange private language.  All of these things, when put together, say “I’m a predator, and I’ve got a van full of lollipops, comic books and small, K-Y scented corpses to prove it.”

Example:

The 2nd annual Boston Festival of Indie Games (BFIG) took over the MIT campus in Cambridge on September 24th.  This year promised to be bigger and better as the organizers took to crowd funding via kickstarter to get more space, more games, and still keep attendance free for the gaming masses!

I covered the event for 2old2play last year but since the only people who read our front page are the other writers and my mom here’s their run down of what its all about:

Boston Festival of Indie Games celebrates independent game development in New England and neighboring regions. Our goal is to create an accessible environment for everybody who enjoys and appreciates games in whatever shape or form, both as players and game developers. The festival seeks to support and showcase the efforts of independent game developers in a free public event, offering games in different formats: video games, location-based games, tabletop games and live role-playing games, amongst others. Games featured demonstrate both the emerging and established talent of the game community in the American northeast. Festival invites attendees to become game developers themselves, by participating in game jams, creating their own board and card games, and attending screenings and lectures on the process of making games. Produced under the non-profit auspices of Be Epic, a Boston-area live action games production group, the Boston Festival of Indie Games fosters an inclusive community of academic, professional and independent developers creating games for the people. Boston FIG was conceptualized by members of Boston Indies, and brought to life via a community effort in collaboration with major stakeholders in the Massachusetts-area gaming community.

If you’re lazy or hate italics the short version is:

• Independant games of all kinds (video, table, live action)
• Some tie to New England
• Fun for everyone!

We Don’t Need No Stinking Board Games

This year I had a lot more time to explore which was great since it was spread across a few buildings of the campus.  My main focus was on the video games but I did check out the board game area as well.  It was in a large but un air-conditioned room which would have reinforced any stereotyping about gamers being smelly.  But they definitely had some cool stuff!  I got a hands on look at Cards Against Humanity’s ‘Bigger Blacker Box’ due out this fall.  And Ice Cubris was extra exciting in a room that was at least 80 degrees! I would have loved to have sat and checked out Funemployed but the need for fresher air prevailed!



Video Killed the Radio Star

Video games had a much larger area this year occupying the MIT gymnasium.  I think their angry beaver athletic team logo might be my new favorite thing!



So right video games!  There was a lot of stuff I had seen last year that had made great progress.  Father Octopus’ Rite had a bunch more playable levels and still a long line to check it out hands on.

Indie Adventures

Another I enjoyed last year was Phoenix Online.  Their final episode of Cognition hit Steam September 19th and I’m working on a play through. Look for a review of the excellent series to date soon.  I really hope they don’t screw up the ending!  


 I was also happy to see more new adventure games. I plan to check out Route 28 Studios who not only had adventure games but French Canadian accents and super cute art!

An even more indie new adventure game I’m really looking forward to is The Beard in the Mirror.  An adventure game that involves pirates written by fans of Lucas Arts and Sierra?!  After watching their greenlight trailer I’m mostly just mad my husband and I didn’t do this first!


If adventure games aren’t your thing and you go more for simulations, Soda Drinker Pro was on hand. I was way jealous their developer was drinking an actual Bonus Soda!

And for a super realistic simulator Depression Quest was exhibiting complete with a sort a blanket fort for an almost too realistic experience of what it feels like to not be able to get out of bed.

Silly Rabbit, Video Games are for Kids!

Being that we’re 2old2play  there are probably many of you that want to encourage your kids to become gamers at an early age.  Well the indie scene has you covered!  There were lots of kids and lots of games that would appeal to a younger age group.

My favorite of the field was Puzzle Axe.  Touch device jigsaw puzzles help you avoid your mean older sibling toppling over all your hours of hard work. Bonus points for animated cut scenes as puzzle completion rewards.

Another standout was educational titles from Test Tube Games.  Brings back memories of my years playing Math Blaster and Carmen San Diego.  Octopuses, monkeys and dinosaurs to teach kids about science?!  Sign my nieces and nephews up!

Muzzy Lane was another interesting one.  If Texas is the controller all of our textbooks, at least a game studio in Massachusetts seems to have cornered the edutainment games market. Hopefully indoctrinating impressionable young gamers on a critical thinking with their titles which cover things like government civics, math, and history.

Make a vacation out of it!

New England is beautiful in the fall and this is a great excuse to visit!  The indie games festival was even better in its sophomore year.  Only growing pain complaint was a bit of a mix up between their mobile app, printed schedule, and posted signage on the timing of keynotes and speakers.  I totally missed out on finding out what Dante Hicks from Clerks has to do with video games.  

Lots of fun games, nice people, and humbling to see it all while roaming the hallowed halls of the Massachusetts Institute of Technology.  If you want more info on any of the games I mentioned or the many more at the show check out the list from the digital showcase.

The Walking Dead by Telltale games took the video game industry by storm when it was released in 2012. Whether it was gamers or journalists, the game was very well received and earned many Game of the Year awards. Having changed the landscape of the video game industry, Telltale went back to work on their often delayed graphic adventure game which is based on Bill Willingham's Fables comic book series. After many delays and a name change, The Wolf Among Us has now finally been released.

As soon as one starts playing this title there are certain things that will quickly become apparent. Telltale has taken their familiar brand of graphic adventure gaming and upped the quality tenfold. No small feat for a company who took home many accolades in the past. The game starts off with alerting you to the fact the choices you make during the game will have an effect on the outcome of the story. The mechanics that are used to make these choices are greatly improved. There should be no complaints about controls this time around as they feel smooth, accurate and very intuitive. There is a bit more action in this title than in The Walking Dead series and thus it was essential that Telltale nail down a control scheme that makes it easy to bounce back and forth between action and decision making.

Maybe it is because The Wolf Among Us, in this writer’s opinion, has a better subject matter and location than The Walking Dead, but visually this game looks downright stunning. With the hand drawn characters and signature New York City aesthetics, the seedy underbelly of NYC has never looked so good. The use of color and neon coupled with the nighttime lighting really makes each scene pop off your screen. Murder isn’t so bad when dressed to kill.

The Wolf Among Us’ story doesn’t take a backseat to anyone or anything. It has what should be familiar characters to really anyone that had somewhat of a decent childhood. The roster in the first episode includes such names as the Big Bad Wolf, Snow White, The Woodsman, one third of the Three Little Pigs, Tweedledee and Tweedledum, Beauty and the Beast, and more. These childhood characters once lived freely in their make-believe world. However, something has happened which has forced them to leave their world and now they are tasked with living in our world. In order to protect their identity and assimilate into an ordinary lifestyle, they must purchase a spell called Glamour, which according to one famous toad, has seen a dramatic increase in price but with decreasing results. Fabletown, which is now part of New York City, has it’s fair share of inner city problems. All of which fall under the jurisdiction of Sheriff Bigby Wolf, aka the Big Bad Wolf.

In the first episode, which is roughly two hours of gameplay, Fabletown experiences their first murders. Snow White, now a clerical assistant for the Mayor, discovers the first murder victim and quickly alerts Bigby. The victim, a Fabletown resident turned prostitute, was a recent acquaintance to Bigby as he just saved her from catching a serious beating at the hands of The Woodsman, a nemesis to the Big Bad Wolf. From here Bigby and Snow White set out to find The Woodsman, the victim’s husband and more importantly, identify the identity of the victim.


Final Verdict

The Wolf Among Us no longer has to stand in the shadow of The Walking Dead. In the first of five episodes, Telltale has laid the groundwork for a series that once again breathes fresh air into an industry that can quickly grow stagnant and repetitive. From the well developed characters and gorgeous artwork, coupled with the mature subject matter, Telltale proves that a murder suspense can be just as intense and riveting as any Zombie hack and slash. After completing this first episode, you will be on the edge of your seat anticipating episode two, Smoke and Mirrors.